


But Afterwards...

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1434976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s another conversation afterwards.</p>
<p>set near the end of 5x14 (“New New York”) after Kurt and Blaine’s last big conversation and fade to black, no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Afterwards...

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this scene in my head for days now, and I decided to free-write it today to get it out of my head before the next episode airs. (Free-writing means that I write in a rush, I only do minimal editing, and I have Stoney read it through to make sure the words make sense but not to tear it to pieces. tl;dr I’ve fussed over the words less than usual.)

Blaine wakes slowly from his doze feeling well-used but so relaxed, his body having been worked and worn out in the most enjoyable way possible. Sex with Kurt is always great, but it was especially wonderful this time. He feels amazing, like he was born to do this with Kurt as much as he was born to sing.

He stretches a little, relishing the pleasure in his happily limp muscles, but he doesn’t dare move much. He doesn’t want to disturb Kurt.

Kurt’s still wrapped around him, tucked close against Blaine’s side in a way he usually doesn’t choose on his own after sex, but then their so-called make-up sex had been close, too: intense and intimate, full of eye contact and fervent kisses and so much touching. It had been like they’d been trying to crawl into each other and be everywhere at once. They’d been pressed together as close as they could possibly be, sharing their bodies, their breath, and their love.

And they still are. Kurt, who had been getting nearer and nearer to some brittle, sharp edge in recent weeks and yet who just invited Blaine into his body with the same single-minded, open-hearted sureness with which he holds onto Blaine’s heart, still wants to be.

Blaine lets out a slow breath, Kurt’s arm across his stomach moving with the exhalation, and keeps his own arm tight around him.

Blaine knows they’re making the right decision - he thinks so... no, he _knows_ , he spent hours thinking about it, weeks maybe, and he has to be right, he just has to be - but he also knows they’re both shaken by it. Kurt staying so close, especially after their conversation where he looked so hurt, so shattered, so resigned in a way... it pulls at Blaine’s heart even as it feels good.

He doesn’t want Kurt to be hurting and needing comfort. He doesn’t want either of them to be hurting. But that’s why they’re making this very smart decision together. So no one is hurting anymore.

And it is together. That’s how it will all work out, because they’re doing it the two of them as a pair, sorting out their issues side by side.

Blaine feels better already, in a way. Part of it is the sweetness and closeness of their time in bed, a balm to his sore heart and a reminder of what’s so good between them. Part of it is the way Kurt actually _listened_ to him without fighting or judging, proof that they both want to solve the problem. Part of it is the way Blaine listened to himself - really, really listened to his heart - even though he knew Kurt would be hurt by what he said. He never, ever wants to hurt Kurt, but he’s proud of himself for being honest and getting the words out, anyway.

He’s proud of himself, and he’s proud that their conversation was good. It was mature. And now they have a plan.

If the intensity of their lovemaking is any indication, they’re going to be okay. They’re going to be fantastic, actually. He’s so relieved. He loves Kurt, and he knows Kurt loves him, but he doesn’t always know what’s going to make Kurt coo and what will make him snap - and sometimes when he figures it out, by him doing it a lot it apparently turns from cooing to snapping anyway - and this time was no exception. But they got through it, and there was incredible sex to celebrate. There’s a lot to be happy about.

Blaine smiles with satisfaction to himself, his pulse pounding with nerves and anticipation but also the slow, steady beat of his unchanging love for this man in his arms, and he thinks he might get the hang of this adulthood thing after all. He hasn’t felt like he’s had his feet under him for months, but maybe he will. Maybe he does.

He tilts his head to look down into Kurt’s sleeping, beautiful face, because he’s handsome all of the time but especially so in repose, and is surprised to find that despite the fact that Kurt isn’t moving at all besides breathing he’s not actually asleep.

Kurt’s lying still, but his eyes are open - wide, clear, and distant - and staring off at the blank wall of fabric around their room.

No, it’s Kurt’s room, not theirs, Blaine reminds himself, but that’s nothing new. Now that truth doesn’t have to hurt anymore.

The look worries Blaine, though. He’s seen a lot of Kurt being distant over the past few months as things have gotten harder and over those long months of being broken up before that. Kurt withdraws. He goes cold. He can sometimes look like an alien or a mythical creature when he’s frustrated, all untouchable ice or spitting fire. He pulls away and into himself, and as hard as Blaine tries to reach him it’s so often impossible in that moment.

Blaine hates it. He hates not being able to touch or connect, not being able to fix things, not being able to coax a smile from the man he loves best in the world. It makes him feel helpless and alone when Kurt walks around like that, and he never wants to feel that way with Kurt.

And yet he keeps throwing himself against that wall when it’s there, because as much as it hurts him he doesn’t know how not to do it.

So it’s with some trepidation that he strokes his hand over Kurt’s broad shoulder and down the strong curve of his arm and softly says, “Hey.”

Kurt doesn’t reply with words, but he does shift his head so that his eyes can rise to Blaine’s face. They’re unshuttered and aware, though, not closed-off. They’re focused on him, not inwards. Kurt’s present, not withdrawn. He’s grave, not gone beyond where Blaine can reach him.

Blaine feels himself go weak with relief and gratitude that the day hasn’t pushed them apart. “Are you okay?” he asks him, because Kurt might be there, but he also looks so serious, so close to sad.

Kurt’s mouth twitches into a shape that’s nothing like a smile. “Are you?” he asks in reply.

It’s not an answer - or maybe it is, given how quietly unhappy he looks - and Blaine’s heart falls. It also makes him that much sure of his decision, somehow.

He absolutely doesn’t want to make Kurt miserable by moving out, but Blaine’s miserable not being able to be his own person. He needs a home that’s _his_ \- floor space and an equal say and the ability to make his own rules and routines instead of sliding into other people’s - and another reason he needs to move is so that his own moods aren’t so connected to Kurt’s. He needs to be happy or sad on his own and not responding to whatever Kurt is giving him. He’ll still be unhappy because Kurt’s unhappy, yes, but when they aren’t together, living two full lives instead of this too-entwined one they’ve been sharing, his heart won’t constantly be tugged toward Kurt’s like iron pulled to a lodestone.

And that’s why he doesn’t know how to answer the question, either, because Blaine actually _is_ kind of okay. His heart still feels bruised and heavy, but that’s only the healing hurt from the past. Now they have a plan to get out of this hard place, and it makes him feel optimistic instead. He feels good. Kurt might look at least a little shattered, but Blaine doesn’t feel that way at all now. He did when they were fighting, he did on the boat to Liberty Island with the breeze sharp in his face, but not now.

The thing that’s hurting him the most right now is that Kurt doesn’t seem to feel entirely the same as he does.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Blaine tells him helplessly. That’s part of why he think they should move out at all, so he isn’t trapping Kurt by being so focused on him every second of the day.

“I know,” Kurt says simply and lets his cheek rest back on Blaine’s chest. He fits his arm a little more snugly around Blaine’s bare waist and contemplates the curtains again.

There’s nothing alarming about the gesture. It’s intimate and comfortably vulnerable, quiet and pensive. And yet it makes Blaine’s brow furrow.

Blaine knows Kurt loves him. He knows Kurt loves being near him. He knows Kurt needs him, as much as Kurt needs anyone... which is, in fact, quite a lot, even though he doesn’t think most people would agree if they didn’t know him well. He knows Kurt isn’t all kick-ass boots and snark but is actually soft and kind and tender inside.

But he also almost never sees Kurt so outwardly fragile, especially not with him. Especially not _because_ of him, not since last year when they were broken up, and he’d been fragile then out of his inability to hide it, not because he’d been okay with being vulnerable.

Normally by now Kurt would be pulling away for a shower or a snack or teasing him toward another round of sex. But that’s not what he’s doing. He’s staying there, with Blaine, while he thinks.

In quiet wonderment and a more than a touch of concern, Blaine curls his arm around Kurt’s back again and holds him close. If Kurt needs him, Blaine always wants to be there for him, no matter that ‘there’ is going to be somewhere else some of the time now. But that doesn’t change who they are to each other, which are best friends and lovers, a strong partnership every single day.

This isn’t changing them at all. No, it is, but it’s not taking away from them. It’s making them better.

They both want what they have and who they are to be better. They want to get _everything_ they have dreamed of, not just this difficult version of it.

“When I was at the Statue of Liberty today,” Blaine says after a while, drawing his fingertips along Kurt’s bare arm, “I was thinking about the lines written there. You know: ‘Give us your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’?”

“Mm hm,” Kurt replies.

“And I was thinking about it being us.”

“As college students, we’re certainly tired and poor.” Kurt rubs his cheek against Blaine’s chest. “And currently huddled.”

Blaine smiles a little. “True,” he says with a soft laugh. “But that’s not quite what I meant. I meant that we came here yearning to breathe free, too. Not from another country, but from Ohio to New York. We came here to be able to be ourselves and chase our dreams in a way we never could at home.”

“That’s true,” Kurt says.

Blaine takes a quick breath to steady himself, because it’s not easy to say things that are more real than positive, but he knows he needs to. He knows now it’s the only way they’ll survive, and they _have_ to survive. “And this - “ He waves his hand at the loft around him before putting it back where it belongs on Kurt’s skin. “ - isn’t what we dreamed.”

“Some of it is,” Kurt says, and if he sounds a little tentative and hurt Blaine can’t really blame him.

“A lot of it is,” Blaine is quick to reassure him. “So much of it is.”

Kurt takes a moment to answer, and his voice is even more muted and resigned when he says, “But a lot of it isn’t.”

“Kurt, I love you,” Blaine says to try to chase some of that sadness out of his voice. “I love you more than I can even _tell_ you, and I love being with you. I love waking up with you. I love cooking with you. I love getting to brush our teeth together and even hauling the trash down to the dumpster together. I love all of that. I love _being_ together. I don’t want you to think I don’t.”

“But doing it all day every day is not giving us the room to breathe free right now,” Kurt says, following up on exactly what Blaine was saying, the way he so often does. “Not with everything else going on. It’s not letting us be us. It’s not letting us chase our dreams the way we want to. I know. I feel it, too.”

“I _love_ you,” Blaine breathes, so grateful to have him, so grateful to be understood.

“I love you, too,” Kurt tells him. He takes a little breath and looks up at Blaine again, his eyes gentle and unwavering. “And I love all of those things, too. I hope you know that.”

Blaine cups Kurt’s smooth, well-moisturized cheek and says, “I do. That’s why I know we’ll keep doing them. That’s why I know we’ll figure this out, and when we’re ready we’ll live together again and keep doing them there, too.”

Kurt nods, and Blaine brushes his fingers through Kurt’s hair and feels his heart grow as Kurt leans in for a soft, serious kiss.

“I’m going to miss having you here,” Kurt says when he pulls back. There’s no attempt to stop Blaine in it, no attempt to add guilt, just a simple statement of fact.

“I’ll miss it, too,” Blaine replies.

Kurt searches his face for a tiny moment before he nods, the corner of his mouth twitching into the ghost of a smile. He lays a hand on Blaine’s chest and rests his chin on it. “Will you be applying for a spot in the NYADA dorms? There are always a few burn-outs by this time of year.”

Blaine shakes his head. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “I need to think about it. But I figure I can crash on Sam’s couch while I look at my options. Quid pro quo and all that.” Or _quid pro bro_ , he thinks, but he saves that one to get a laugh out of Sam.

He really hopes he doesn’t have to explain the joke to him.

Kurt’s brows tug together, and he says with some confusion, “You don’t have to sleep on a couch. You’re welcome here as long as you want to stay.”

“I know,” Blaine says, “but if I’m there then I’ll know I can’t stay. I’ll know I have to find my own place to live. If I’m here...” He smiles at Kurt a bit helplessly and palms the tempting curve of his shoulder. “The longer I’m here, the harder it will be to leave.”

“Or the easier,” Kurt says darkly, his eyes going distant at the prospect of things getting even harder between them.

Blaine nods. “Exactly. And I don’t want that, either.”

Kurt nods, too, and he watches Blaine for a moment before leaning up for another kiss. “Okay,” he says. He kisses Blaine again, softly sighing into it, and Blaine slips his arms around him in a better position to hold him close as they map out each other’s mouths once more.

It feels like acceptance, but it also feels like a promise, that what they have between them is more important than anything else. It feels like a promise that they’ll keep making the best decisions they can for them both.

“I really love you,” Kurt tells him as he slides up over Blaine, his warm skin slipping against Blaine’s in a lovely tease. He leans low on his elbows, their bodies pressed together from feet to chest, and kisses him again.

Blaine cups Kurt’s back, his face, touches his hair and his arms and his ass, and kisses him back, taking everything Kurt is offering him and offering himself in return.

He shivers out a sigh of pleasure and excitement, not just for Kurt’s touch but for the start of this new future he can feel being built between them. It’s not simply arousal that’s making his stomach flutter but _possibility_. The world’s opening up again, getting bigger than Rachel’s cooking schedules and Kurt’s list of bodegas he’s boycotting because of health hazards. _Blaine’s_ going to get to make some decisions. Blaine’s going to get to carve out space for Kurt’s products in his bathroom instead of it only being the other way around. Blaine gets to figure things out. He gets to figure _himself_ out, and he is proud that he finds he actually wants to. And he gets to do it all with Kurt, even if Kurt won’t always be by his side every second of the way, and they’ll both be happier for it.

It's maybe a little terrifying if he thinks about it too closely, but the good thing is that he has better things to do than think right now.

Blaine turns them on the bed so he can kiss Kurt harder, gets a low laugh and a giddy smile for his trouble, and is so grateful for it all he feels like his heart could burst. He’s so grateful for _Kurt_ , who understands him well enough to want to make it work.

“Come here,” Blaine murmurs happily and finds Kurt’s mouth again even as he’s moving to straddle Kurt’s waist and get that much closer.

He might need to live somewhere else for a while, but he’s never, ever going to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder, I am spoiler-free!


End file.
